Fun Stuff...Off Topic(O/T)

[skiracer]

Ski i first retired at 29 i had a company re-conditioning 45gal steel oil drums was doing well so i sold it.Then proceeded to blow the lot on all sorts of stuff!
Then i had to start again,as someone said in a previous thread "live every day
as if it was your last because one day it will" i did and enjoyed every minute
of it! So now i just regard myself as a thread in the rich tapestry of life!!!lol
by the way Ski are you formally Belaruski who was formally Ski if you know what i mean?

i'm the original and one and only skiracer but i've been reconditioned myself several times. life has been good to me and i have usually landed on my feet so i know the feeling.

[Peter Hansen]

Viva La France!

Why English Officers wore red coats in battle



A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured an English colonel. They took him to their headquarters, and the French general began to question him. Finally, as an afterthought, the French general asked, Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?

In his bland English way, the officer informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show, and the men they are leading won't panic.

And that is why, from that day to this, all French Army officers wear brown trousers.

[microchips]

Why English Officers wore red coats in battle



A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured an English colonel. They took him to their headquarters, and the French general began to question him. Finally, as an afterthought, the French general asked, Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?

In his bland English way, the officer informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show, and the men they are leading won't panic.

And that is why, from that day to this, all French Army officers wear brown trousers.

Take it you don't like the arrogant,ignorant,unhelpful,lying ,snail and frog eating spineless twats either!! mention Agincourt and give them two fingers and they go barmy!! We do really do need to fill the channel tunnel in with concrete to stop all the rats that use it

[Peter Hansen]

Microchips

Mic I really have no hostilities towards the French .....because I have never been to France or have ever been treated badly by a French person. I like to judge people by how they treat me ....but I have heard from "SOME" travelers that as AMERICANS that they have been treated better in other countries , but others say France was nice to visit!
I just saw some humor in the French email that had been forwarded to me. We all have to learn to lighten up , and not be so defensive. If one has confidence in himself and his abilities, he can even joke about himself!

[microchips]

Pete

Mic I really have no hostilities towards the French .....because I have never been to France or have ever been treated badly by a French person. I like to judge people by how they treat me ....but I have heard from "SOME" travelers that as AMERICANS that they have been treated better in other countries , but others say France was nice to visit!
I just saw some humor in the French email that had been forwarded to me. We all have to learn to lighten up , and not be so defensive. If one has confidence in himself and his abilities, he can even joke about himself!

Several years ago a friend of mine asked me if i would take a heavy goods vehicle laden with perishable goods down to northern Spain transiting France, going via Dover/Calais no problem whatsoever;plenty of beer and wine was had by all. Having unloaded then re-loaded again with perishables we set off back no problems until we got approx 8km from Calais then we hit the convoy of trucks which had been forced to park on 2 lanes of motorway.All this was caused by the French fishermen blockading all of the ports with their trawlers so as to prevent any movement of ships or ferries,We could not turn our trucks round and return home via any of the Belgian or Dutch ports.Their gripe was with their government!!! not with my friend or myself or the thousands of British holiday makers who"s holidays their selfishness ruined! It is always the case with the French if they go on strike they BLOCK the ports which hurts nobody but the British, 6 days later the perishables had perished. My friend had to sell one of his 4 trucks to pay for the lost cargo as the insurance would not cover it.His loss was approx £26,000 and everyone has shoved their heads back in the sand, i was away from home for 3wks and didn't have the heart to ask for wages; i have been to every single country in Europe from Holland to Turkey and have found nothing but realy help-full, friendly people who it has been a pleasure to meet with the exception of the French.Trust me i can take the mick out of myself which i frequently do as do others so i will say no more about the French and bid you all the best.

[microchips]

Mr Levin ,GS bandits and poor granny!!

Just having watched your Senator Levin wiping the floor with the GS bandits ,the big square headed dude with eyes like whippets knackers has made my day he looked at one point as if he was going to BOOOOO if he gets time with his mates, i bet they will all come out wearing nappies(ha ha ha) hoping the next session will only get better lol.......
Second only to this is the carry on in the Ukrain parliament concerning the Russian Black Fleet did you see them knocking hell out of each other,throwing eggs at people who are hiding behind umberellas and capped off with smoke bombs? i hav"nt laughed so much since my granny caught her left tit in the mangle!!!!!!!!!!

[Peter Hansen]

Some jokes after a bruising day in the markets!

Minister and Lawyer in Heaven
A minister and a lawyer arrived at the pearly gates, Saint Peter greeted both of them and gave them their room assignments.
"Pastor, here are the keys to one of our nicest efficiency units. And for you, sir, the keys to our finest penthouse suite."
"This is unfair!" cried the minister.
"Listen," Saint Peter said, "ministers are a dime a dozen up here, but this is the first lawyer we've ever seen.

The Hundred-Dollar Bill.
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, and honest lawyer, and an old drunk were walking along when they simultaneously spotted a hundred-dollar bill laying in the street. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures



What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 70?
A: Your honor

What’s the difference between a shame and a pity?
A: If a busload of lawyers goes over a cliff, and there are no survivors, that’s known as a pity. If there were any empty seats, that’s a shame.



Two Kinds of Lawyers
There are two kinds of lawyers: those who know the law and those who know the judge








This took place in Charlotte North Carolina . A lawyer purchased a box of
> very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other
> things, fire.

> Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars,
> the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

> In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of
> small fires..' The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious
> reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

> The lawyer sued and WON! (Stay with me.)

> Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that
> the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer
> held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were
> insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire,
> without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was
> obligated to pay the claim.

> Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance
> company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the
> cigars that perished in the 'fires'.

> NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

> After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested
> on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

> With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being
> used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his
> insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
> This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award contest.

> ONLY IN AMERICA

[Peter Hansen]

Micro WOW

Several years ago a friend of mine asked me if i would take a heavy goods vehicle laden with perishable goods down to northern Spain transiting France, going via Dover/Calais no problem whatsoever;plenty of beer and wine was had by all. Having unloaded then re-loaded again with perishables we set off back no problems until we got approx 8km from Calais then we hit the convoy of trucks which had been forced to park on 2 lanes of motorway.All this was caused by the French fishermen blockading all of the ports with their trawlers so as to prevent any movement of ships or ferries,We could not turn our trucks round and return home via any of the Belgian or Dutch ports.Their gripe was with their government!!! not with my friend or myself or the thousands of British holiday makers who"s holidays their selfishness ruined! It is always the case with the French if they go on strike they BLOCK the ports which hurts nobody but the British, 6 days later the perishables had perished. My friend had to sell one of his 4 trucks to pay for the lost cargo as the insurance would not cover it.His loss was approx £26,000 and everyone has shoved their heads back in the sand, i was away from home for 3wks and didn't have the heart to ask for wages; i have been to every single country in Europe from Holland to Turkey and have found nothing but realy help-full, friendly people who it has been a pleasure to meet with the exception of the French.Trust me i can take the mick out of myself which i frequently do as do others so i will say no more about the French and bid you all the best.

Micro wow sorry to hear that ......I guess hiring a French lawyer to get compensation for damages was out of the question LOL

[microchips]

Pete

Micro wow sorry to hear that ......I guess hiring a French lawyer to get compensation for damages was out of the question LOL

The French lawyers are all in bed with the police and politicians(not suprising realy) we know of two larger companies who tried to persue claims against both the fishermen and the government but gave up because as we know the government has deeper pockets than ours; and lost tens of thousands in legal fees in the process.This is but one reason why 90% of the English do not like the French.Only yesterday their farmers blockaded a lot of main roads with hundreds of tractors! all because they think their prices for farm produce should be protected against competition from within the EEC. Again they do not give a toss about anyone but their arrogant selves!!

[Peter Hansen]

Alzheimers Anyone?

A Short Neurological Test

1- Find the C below.. Please do not use any cursor help.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

2- If you already found the C, now find the 6 below.

99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
69999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999

3 - Now find the N below. It's a little more difficult.

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

This is NOT a joke. If you were able to pass these 3 tests, you can cancel your annual visit to your neurologist. Your brain is great and you're far from having a close relationship with Alzheimer.

Congratulations!




-------


eonvrye that can raed this rsaie your hnad.



To my 'selected' strange-minded friends:

If you can read the following paragraph, forward it on to your friends and the person that sent it to you with 'yes' in the subject line.





Only great minds can read this
This is weird, but interesting!

If you can raed this, you have a sgtrane mnid too

Can you raed this? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.

I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in what oerdr the ltteres in a word are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is that the frsit and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it whotuit a pboerlm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! If you can raed this forwrad it

FORWARD ONLY IF YOU CAN READ IT
Forward it & put 'YES' in the Subject Line

[billyjoe]

Pete,
I passed all those tests with flying colors. I guess eye scanning hundreds of stocks each day has its advantages even if I don't make any money off them.

-----------billy

[Peter Hansen]

Billie yes

Pete,
I passed all those tests with flying colors. I guess eye scanning hundreds of stocks each day has its advantages even if I don't make any money off them.

-----------billy

Billie too bad we could not always "EYE" the winning stox. LOL

[microchips]

Pete

Billie too bad we could not always "EYE" the winning stox. LOL

Tried the test last night while pi@*ed fell asleep!! saw 2lots of everything.
Will try it on the weed at the weekend wont be able to stop laughing though,
Keep em comming they brighten up the day. CHEERS!!

[Peter Hansen]

Words of wisdom!

The Zen of Sarcasm

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me either.
Just pretty much leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn.
So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.


4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced,
you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique.
Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive,
try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone,
you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them,
you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9 . If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is probably not for you.

10 . Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.

12 . If you tell the truth,
you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug;
some days you're the windshield.


14. Everyone seems normal
until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is
to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side,
and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women.
Neither one works.

19 . Generally speaking, you aren't learning much
when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get
until just after you need it.

21 . Never miss a good opportunity to shut up.

AND

22 . Never, under any circumstances,
take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

[microchips]

BEFORE MARRIAGE!!

Husband:I can hardly wait.
wife: do you want me to leave?
husband; dont even think about it!
wife; do you love me?
husband: of course,always have and always will.
wife; have you cheated on me?
husband: No why you even asking?
wife: Will you kiss me?
husband: Every chance i get.
wife:Will you hit me?
husband: Hell no are you crazy?
wife: Can i trust you?
husband: Yes
wife; Darling!!

AFTER MARRIAGE READ FROM BOTTOM TO TOP!!!!!!

A guy once told his girlfriend he had a "willy" like a computer. She said" is it
because it has loads of ram and a hard drive"? OOOOHHHHH the suprise she got when she when she found out it was actually MICRO -SOFT and full of VIRUSES!!!!