Fun Stuff...Off Topic(O/T)

[IIC]

A man goes into a bar and drinks beer.
After every glass of beer he pulls a picture out of his pocket and looks at it.
After the 4th beer the waiter asks him why after every glass of beer he pulls the picture out and looks at it.

Then the man says:
It's a picture of my wife.
When she looks good to me, I'm going home.

That is an example of the "The Power of Beer."

Click the link below

http://img.thesun.co.uk/multimedia/archive/00622/beer_goggles_622180a.swf

[riverbabe]

financial planning

One of my daughters has just completed training as a Financial Advisor. She sent me this:

http://www.xtranormal.com/watch/7743951/a-day-in-the-life-of-a-financial-advisor

[billyjoe]

River,
I had a socially responsible mutual fund once. While other funds were gaining in the double digits, it was losing money.

--------------billy

[IIC]

[riverbabe]

River,
I had a socially responsible mutual fund once. While other funds were gaining in the double digits, it was losing money.

--------------billy

Hey, vice pays! Thanks for watching that clip billy.

[riverbabe]

funny Doug, and good advice!

[peanuts]

Husband Store



A store that sells new husbands has opened in
New York City, where a woman may go to choose
a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:



You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are
six floors and the value of the products increase
as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or
may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!



So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to

find a husband. On the first floor the sign
on the door reads:



Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs



She is intrigued, but continues to the second
floor, where the sign reads:



Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.



'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'



So she continues upward. The third floor
sign reads:



Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids,
and are Extremely Good Looking.



'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to
keep going.



She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:



Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids,
are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.



'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'


Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:



Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids,
are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.



She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the
sixth floor, where the sign reads:



Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.



PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.



The first floor has wives that love sex.



The second floor has wives that love sex
and have money and like beer.



The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have
never been visited.

[IIC]

Now that 2011 is down the drain, I want to
thank you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally
screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper
towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without
worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only
imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been
driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking
one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I
can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over
the years.

I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed
it on the floor of a public toilet.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS for the email about rat poo
in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with
every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for
the same reason.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up
in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually
horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell
like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get
answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish
within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola
because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy gasoline without taking someone along to
watch the car, so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when
I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it
causes seven different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water
in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face,
disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked
with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will
drug me with a colgne sample and rob me.

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask
me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls
to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan .

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because
a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant
death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up a penny
dropped in the parking lot because it was probably placed there by a
sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get
bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

Now, if you don't copy this post and e-mail it to at least 144,000 people
in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your
head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 120 camels
will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this
will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door
neighbor's ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's
beautician . .

Oh, and by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study,
has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read these
posts with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because
I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the
toilet.

NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY and A HAPPY 2012

[IIC]

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day, Mary my wife and I went into town and visited a shop.

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him an "asshole" . He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So Mary called him a "shit head". He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home. We always look for cars with "OBAMA 2012" stickers. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

[riverbabe]

Spin-doctoring

Judy Wallman, a professional genealogy researcher in southern California, was doing some personal
work on her family tree. She discovered that Senator Harry Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was
hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy Wallman and Harry Reid
share this common ancestor.

The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows in Montana territory:

On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription: 'Remus Reid, horse
thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times.
Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.'

So Judy e-mailed Senator Reid for information about their great-great uncle.


The senator's staff sent back the following biographical sketch:


"Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include
acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning
in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his
dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned
Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in
his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."

[billyjoe]

Guys and Gals,
I can't tell anymore if'n your joshin' me or not. Did you hear the one about a presidential candidate that tied his dog to the roof of his car because there was no more room inside the station wagon after filling it up with suitcases of $$.

------------billy

[Karel]

Judy Wallman, a professional genealogy researcher in southern California, was doing some personal work on her family tree. She discovered that Senator Harry Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy Wallman and Harry Reid share this common ancestor. [snip]

Ahhh, it is good to be able to bring Snopes up again!

Regards,

Karel

[Karel]

Guys and Gals,
I can't tell anymore if'n your joshin' me or not. Did you hear the one about a presidential candidate that tied his dog to the roof of his car because there was no more room inside the station wagon after filling it up with suitcases of $$.

------------billy

He said his dog loves fresh air. Yes, that was Snopes again. No mention of $$$ however.

Regards,

Karel

[riverbabe]

Ahhh, it is good to be able to bring Snopes up again!

Regards,

Karel

GAWD, I have MISSED YOU. Good to see you are alive and well, and as sharp as ever! Thank you!

[mimo_100]

TheWhy Golf Is Better Than Sex
From David Letterman's Late Night Show

A below par performance is considered good.
You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
You can still make money doing it as a senior.
It's much easier to find the sweet spot.
Foursomes are encouraged.
Three times a day is possible.
Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you do it with someone else.
If you live in Florida, you can do it every day.
You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.
If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it.