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Originally posted by IIC
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I had a pet penguin once...His name was Pluto 
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I hope he wasn't demoted. -
Animal Pearls Of Wisdom!
Who ever coined the phrase , "Quiet As A Mouse" has never stepped on one!
Nothing makes a fish bigger than almost being caught!
I hope the Cockroach they found in my basement died of loneliness
I wonder if drug detection dogs ever go into rehab?
I had a pet giraffe , but I always got the feeling it was looking down at me.Comment
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Okay, I'm almost done. But couldn't resist this.
Published on Dec 5, 2013
Starting with a single cellist on the floor of the National Air and Space Museum's "Milestones of Flight" gallery, and swelling to 120 musicians, The U.S. Air Force Band exhilarated museum visitors with its first-ever flash mob. The four-minute performance featured an original arrangement of "Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring/Joy to the World," led by the band's commander and conductor, Col. Larry H. Lang. Unsuspecting museum visitors including tourists and school groups were astonished as instrumentalists streamed into the gallery from behind airplanes and space capsules, and vocalists burst into song from the Museum's second floor balcony.
And from 2014:
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River, Those little kids especially will remember that day for the rest of their lives. Wish I'd been there.
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A woman and her 10 year old son were riding in a taxi in New York. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings.
“Mom,“ said the boy, “What are all these women doing?”
“They are waiting for their husbands to get off work,” she replied.
The taxi driver turned around and said “Geez, lady, why don’t you tell him the truth? They are hookers, kid! They have sex with men for money.”
The little boy’s eyes got wide and he asked, “Is that true, mom?”
His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answered in the affirmative.
After a few minutes, the kid asked, “Mom, what happens to the babies those women have?”
“Most of them become taxi drivers.” she said.Comment
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There's a long article in today's Boston Globe newspaper today about the changes the Red Sox have made over the off season and their chances for next year. Spring can truly not be that far off.
Separately, there is a Xena marathon being broadcast on the Spanish channel.Comment
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This is just a little off subject. In the early 1980's I had some extra money and bought each of my children $500 worth of the Vanguard Prime Cap Fund, VPMCX. We just kept reinvesting dividends and capital gains. My daughter and one son eventually cashed their funds in to use for tuition etc. The oldest never touched his account. The account has been closed for years to new account holders but existing ones can add to their holdings but mine never did. We just got the latest quarterly statement . It's grown to $7261. I haven't figured the annualized return rate. Here is the graph going back to 1998. http://bigcharts.marketwatch.com/qui...w=True&time=20
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It is seven below zero here, the lowest temp I can ever remember. Natch, this is routine in some parts of the country.Comment
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A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. they were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%, for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and "kick it up a notch."
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing at this point, they decided to try for 50%. the husband continued to feel quite well.
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby boy with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic
When they got home, the mail man was dead on the porch.Comment
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"A DEAD MAN WALKING"
Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live. Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.
About 6 hours later, Morris goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey, please just one more time before I die. She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. Morris, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. Again he taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could...."
At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Morris, enough is enough I have to get up in the morning, you don't."Comment
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AND THE FARMER TOOK ANOTHER LOAD AWAY!
The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily. “Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I’m here.”
The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.
“Sorry, sir! We all had dates and they ran a little late, we ran to the bus but missed it, we hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now we’re here.”
The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too.
A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily, “Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but…”
“Let me guess,” the General interrupted, “it broke down.”
“No, sir” said the G.I., “there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around themComment
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Now the damage would have been about $20. Check out the 10 years ago story too. http://www.sanduskyregister.com/news/history/7322851
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Ah yes....Charity begins at HOME!
A wife arrived home from a shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed naked, with a lovely young woman. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her and said, “Honey, before you leave, please let me explain.” The wife stopped to listen.
He continued, “I was driving along the highway, and I saw this young girl looking very tired, so I offered her a lift. She was also hungry, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef in the refrigerator which you didn’t like”. “She was wearing some very worn sandals, so I gave her a pair of your shoes which you’d discarded because they were out of style. She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday-the one you never liked.” “Her slacks were torn, so I gave her a pair that was too small for you now.”
“That’s all fine and good,” said the wife, “but why did I find you both in our bed with NO clothes on?”
The husband replied, “Well, that’s simple. See, as she was about to leave the house, she turned to me and asked, “Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?”Comment
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JUST AN OLD FASHIONED MOVIE!
Coming out on Valentine's Day No Sex, No Violence .....just a corny old fashioned movie..... the way movies were once made! http://www.oldfashionedmovie.com/Comment
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After a hectic week in the stock market , a few jokes should loosen things up!
I'd just come out of the shop with a roast beef sandwich, large chips, ear of corn & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'
Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.
I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself. I'm going to take that.'
I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.Comment
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