Fun Stuff...Off Topic(O/T)

[Phoenix7]

Happy New Year To All .........Let's start the year on a positive note!

[riverbabe]

Finally, A feel good story for the holidays! http://www.newyorker.com/humor/borow...usand-per-cent

---------------billy

!

[billyjoe]

Finally, A feel good story for the holidays! http://www.newyorker.com/humor/borow...usand-per-cent

---------------billy

[Phoenix7]

The "KING" and The "KILLER" sing Christmas Songs . JUST GREAT!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3KK6sMo8NBY

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lL8WMQXKnQ4

The Killer with a more upbeat version! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ERPZ_wcGfCg

[Phoenix7]

Want some more silly jokes? ......hey I know ya do so here we go:

After years of working hard and many late nights I’ve finally become a PhD… or Pizza Hut Deliveryman as some people like to call it.

Getting a job as an airline pilot is really difficult, especially if your name is Mr G. Hadd.

What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A. A good lawyer knows the law, but a great lawyer knows the judge.

There is only one "SURE" cure for baldness. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine. P.G. Wodehouse

He's so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money up front.George Burns

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, '"At my age, I don't even buy green bananas." Claude Pepper

[Phoenix7]

Ah yes ......an Italian guy has that Christmas spirit! http://safeshare.tv/v/ss564899c87c19e

[Phoenix7]

Definition of the word " coincidence ".

A chicken farmer went to the local bar ....He sat next to a woman and ordered champagne.
The woman said:
- " How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne".

- " What a coincidence " - said the farmer, who added: " It is a special day for me .... I am celebrating..."

- " It is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!" - said the woman.

- "What a coincidence" - said the farmer.

While they toasted, the man asked:- " What are you celebrating? "

- " My husband and I are trying to have a child for years, and today, my gynecologist told me that I was pregnant".

- " What a coincidence !" - said the man - " I am a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilized eggs. "

- " This is awesome" - said the woman.

- " What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?"

" I used a different rooster " - he said.

The woman smiled and said:
"What a coincidence"

[Phoenix7]

Gezzzzzzz I would feel remiss if I didn't include some Christmas Jokes....... so here they are! Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to ALL!

Why does Santa Claus put coal in the stockings of bad little
boys and girls?
Because heating oil would leak out the bottom.


Father once bought his children a pack of batteries for Christmas with a note on
it "Toys are not included".

In an elevator of extremely luxurious hotel three men are standing - an honest politician, a kind-hearted lawyer and a Santa Clause. When the elevator stops and the door opens, they all notice $100 Bill on the floor.
Guess: who of those three men took the $100
The Santa Clause, of course, because the first two do not exist.

DEAR SANTA:
I really enjoyed the Chinese fireworks that you have presented me the last year. This year I'm expecting from you the 2 two fingers I had blown off last year!


Why A Woman Would Wish To Be Santa Claus!

There'd be no more early morning decisions about what to wear to the office.
No one would bother to ask Santa Claus for a ride to work.
Buy one big brown belt and you'd be accessorized for life.
You'd always work in sensible footwear.
You'd never be expected to make the coffee.
There'd be no need to play office politics; a hearty ho-ho-ho would remind everyone who is the boss.
Juggling work and family would be easy. All your children would adore you; even your teenagers would want to sit in your lap.
You'd never take the wrong coat on your way home.
You could grow a tummy the size of Texas and consider it a job requirement of a funny Santa Claus.
No one would ask to see your job description.

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.
You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells" . Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carols".

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: ALL Eastern World Employees

DATE: 5 December 2015

RE: The ****ing Holiday Party
Vegetarian *****s I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this at the "STEAK" Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your ****ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die.
The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

I’ve been bad a few times this year, but it was worth it…you judgmental fat bastard!

"I was so poor growing up, if I hadn't been a boy I'd have had nothing to play with on Christmas Day."
Rodney Dangerfield

[Phoenix7]

Lousy stock market time for some laughs !

After 3 years of marriage, me and the wife had our first real fight last night.
I called my dad for advice on how to fix things.
He told me to apologize and admit I was wrong.
I was really looking for advice on how to dispose of the body.

The following conversation took place between a husband and wife.
Wife: Would you still love me if I became fat and lost my looks.
Husband: What do you mean “if”?

Why is it when an old person comes up to me at a wedding as says “You’re next” its somehow socially acceptable but when I do the same to them at funeral I get into trouble?

I’ll never forget my granddad’s last words. “Are you holding that ladder properly?”

Just been arrested by the police after recently being given the part of Romeo in my local theater. The script clearly said ‘Enter Juliet from behind’.

I decided to burn a lot of calories today… I set fire to a fat kid that lives on my street!!

I had a knock at my door earlier, it was a policeman…
“Mr Cook?”
“Yes,” I replied.
“I’m afraid your dog has just been reported to have chased someone on a bike.”
I said, “That’s B.S. – my dog doesn’t have a bike!”

My clever friend said that onions are the only food that can make you cry. So I threw a coconut in his face.

I went to a psychic the other day and asker her if I was gonna go to jail in the future….. She said no so I robbed her.

There’s nothing more entertaining than going to watch a marathon live. My favorite part is the reaction of the runner’s face when I give him a cup of vodka.

Just changed my Facebook name to ‘No one’ so when I see stupid posts I can click like and it will say ‘No one likes this’.

The following conversation took place today at the hospital after the doctor told me I’ve only got 3 weeks to live.
Me: Is there nothing you can give me to help?
Doctor: Try drinking 1 litre of olive oil every day
Me: Will that cure me?
Doctor: No but it will make your cremation a lot quicker.

[Phoenix7]

fast forward 60 years - here is an xray vision a pair for ONLY $2400 including a plam sized dvr.

http://www.advanced-intelligence.com/glasses.html#!glasses

It is never too late - I just found this

http://www.amazon.com/The-Original-X.../dp/B001DBEARY

I bought a pair of those X-Ray glasses becuase I wanted to get a better view of my shapely biology teacher.......bottom line the glasses sucked ....didn't work!

[Phoenix7]

Football Jokes

*Football season continues.....*


Ohio State's Urban Meyer on one of his players: "He doesn't know the
Meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't
Know the meaning of a lot of words."
___________________________________________

Why do Tennessee fans wear orange?
So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday,
And pick up trash on Monday.
___________________________________________

What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs?
Drool.
___________________________________________

How many Michigan freshmen football players does it take to change a light
Bulb?

None. That's a sophomore course.
___________________________________________

How did the Auburn football player die from drinking milk?

The cow fell on him.
___________________________________________

Two Texas A&M football players were walking in the woods.

One of them said, "Look, a dead bird."

The other looked up in the sky and said, "Where?"
___________________________________________

What do you say to a Michigan State University football player dressed in a
Three-piece suit? "

"Will the defendant please rise."
___________________________________________

If three Florida State football players are in the same car, who is driving?

The police officer.
___________________________________________

How can you tell if a Clemson football player has a girl friend?

There's tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.
___________________________________________

What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?

A full set of teeth.
___________________________________________

University of Michigan Coach Jim Harbaugh is only going to dress half of
His players for the game this week; the other half will have to dress
Themselves.
___________________________________________

How is the Kansas football team like an opossum?

They play dead at home and get killed on the road.
___________________________________________

Why did the Nebraska linebacker steal a police car?

He saw "911" on the side and thought it was a Porsche.
___________________________________________

How do you get a former Ohio State football player off your porch?

Pay him for the pizza.

[mimo_100]

Mimo, I always wanted to buy a pair of those x-ray specs, but couldn't get enough cash together. One of the worst days of my childhood was when they raised the price of Superman comics from 10 cents to 12 cents. It was all downhill from then on.

--------------------billy

fast forward 60 years - here is an xray vision a pair for ONLY $2400 including a palm sized dvr.

http://www.advanced-intelligence.com/glasses.html#!glasses

It is never too late - I just found this

http://www.amazon.com/The-Original-X-ray-Spex-Amazing/dp/B001DBEARY

[mimo_100]

Mimo, I always wanted to buy a pair of those x-ray specs, but couldn't get enough cash together. One of the worst days of my childhood was when they raised the price of Superman comics from 10 cents to 12 cents. It was all downhill from then on.

--------------------billy

One of my worst days was using new york yankee baseball cards clothes-pinned to the spokes of my no-fender bike - a very expensive event as we all found out later

[billyjoe]

I remember all the little kids crying, holding their arms, after polio shots in the 1st grade. I didn't cry.

----------------billy

[billyjoe]

Mimo, I always wanted to buy a pair of those x-ray specs, but couldn't get enough cash together. One of the worst days of my childhood was when they raised the price of Superman comics from 10 cents to 12 cents. It was all downhill from then on.

--------------------billy