Fun Stuff...Off Topic(O/T)

[billyjoe]

This isn't exactly off topic but isn't worth starting a new thread. Have you ever wondered if your tiny purchasing power is even noticed by Wall Street? This morning I was monitoring trading at the open and noticed someone bought 1 share of ASD (American Standard) at 37.90 a drop of .51 from previous close. Maybe they sold it, I don't know. Anyway this must be a mistake I thought until the next trade came in at 40,000 shares and sure enough the day's volume was listed at 40,001 shares and so it continues . Who says each share doesn't count. Only in America ! Just checked volume is now 680,101.

----------------billyjoe

Also was watching election results last night. In a small Western Ohio town 3 were running for mayor and the vote total was 1 to 1 to 0. Two were running for council in the same town .Vote total was 1 to 1. This was after the polls had closed. How can 5 people be running for office in a town with only 2 voters?

[Peter Hansen]

Billie NJ Elections

Billie in NJ .......in the past , in political machine cities like Jersey City .......even the DEAD voted LOL

[billyjoe]

Billie in NJ .......in the past , in political machine cities like Jersey City .......even the DEAD voted LOL

Pete,
That's real scary. In Ohio presidential elections, the machines vote by themselves and adjust the vote depending on who's ahead at the time. That's what I call automation!

-----------billyjoe

[Peter Hansen]

One Joke the Nuns NEVER told us LOL

Twelve monks were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up, nude, in a garden while a nude model danced before them. Each monk had a small bell attached to his privates, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The model danced before the first monk candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response until she got to the final monk. As she danced, his bell rang so loudly it fell off and clattered to the ground. Embarrassed, he bent down to pick up the bell, and eleven other bells began to ring

[Peter Hansen]

Mr Market's Prayer Before Tiger's Game

The Beer Prayer

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink,
Thy will be drunk,
(I will be drunk),
At home as I am in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us,
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers,
for thine is the beer,
The bitter and the lager,
Forever and ever,
Barmen

[IIC]

Anyone know where I can buy this MAGIC MIRROR???...My wife wants one for Christmas...LOL

[Peter Hansen]

IIC Good one

I am sure this mirror would be a "HUGE" seller LOL

[Peter Hansen]

A dearly departed wife

Just before the funeral of Bill’s wife Martha the funeral directors are carrying her coffin from the house. On the way out they bump the coffin against a wall and a faint moan comes from inside. Astonishingly Martha is still alive and later goes on to live another 10 years. Martha passes away again and as she is being carried from her home in the coffin Bill shouts at the funeral directors “Watch the wall this time!”

[Peter Hansen]

Take bite out of crime

Ah yes, what ever happended to that commericial ...."Take a bite out of crime"
Jokes - My Dear wife
A man starting his morning trip to his office, when he suddenly
stopped by an unusual funeral procession.
Two funeral coffins carried one behind the other, followed by a
solitary man walking with a black dog.
Behind him was a queue of approximately 200 men walking in single
line.
The man couldn't stand his curiosity.He approached the man walking
with the dog, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad
time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with
so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is it?
"The man replied,"Well, that first coffin is for my wife. "
"What happened to her?"!
The man replied,"My dog attacked and killed her. "
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second coffin? "
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife
when the dog attacked and killed her also. "
A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. Then the
first one asks in excitement "Can I borrow the dog? "
The man replied "OK, Join the queue."

[Peter Hansen]

3 Little Pigs ...Italian style

ITALIAN STYLE PIG STORY


The Three Little Pigs - Italian Style

Once upon a time there were three little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig and the brick pig.

One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig's house and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did !!!



So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said, "Please let me in, the wolf just blew down my house." So the stick Pig let the straw pig in.

Just then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did !!!



So the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig's house and said, "Let us in, let us in, the big bad wolf just blew our houses down!"

So the brick pig let them in just as the wolf showed up. The wolf said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." The straw pig and the stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call.



A few minutes passed and a big, black Caddy pulls up.

Out step two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedora hats. These pigs come over to the wolf, grab him by the neck and beat the living shit out of him, then one of them pulled out a gun, stuck it in his mouth and fired, killing the wolf, then they tied cement blocks around his feet and threw his sorry ass into the creek. Then they got back into their Caddy and drove off.



The straw pig and stick pig were amazed!!! "Who the hell were those guys?" they asked.

"Those were my cousins... the Guinea Pigs





" Gotta love those Italians

[IIC]

An English professor wrote the words:


"A woman without her man is nothing"

on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.


All of the males in the class wrote:


"A woman, without her man, is nothing."



All the females in the class wrote:

"A woman: without her, man is nothing."



Punctuation is powerful

[Rob]

. . . All of the males in the class wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing." . . .

No commas and a period at the end would suffice. If I were the teacher, I would knock off points for that.

[Peter Hansen]

Grandfatherly Advice

Italian Philosophy at it's best
>
> An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his
> grandson to his bed!
>
> "Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated
> 38 revolver so you will always remember me."
>
> "But grandpa, I really don't lika guns. Howzabout
> you leava me your Rolex watch instead?"
>
> "Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da
> business.....you gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa
> money, a biga home and maybe a couple a bambinos"
>
> "Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe find you wife inna
> bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then....... pointa to you
> watch and say "Times up"?

[riverbabe]

What I feel like in today's market! River

An atheist was walking through the woods.
'What majestic trees'!
'What powerful rivers'!
'What beautiful animals'!
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.


At that instant the Atheist cried out, 'Oh my God!'

Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. 'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.' 'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer'?
The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?

'Very Well,' said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'

[Peter Hansen]

River Nice Joke

My joke is kind of religious.....but it takes a slightly different bent.

A sailor and a priest were playing golf.

The sailor took his first shot missed and said, "F##k, I missed."

Surprised, the priest replied, "Don’t use that kind of language or god will punish you."

The sailor took aim and hit his shot second shot. Again he missed and under his breath the said, "I f##k’n missed again."

The priest overheard and replied, "My son, please don’t use that language or god will punish you."

The sailor took his third shot and once again he couldn’t help mutter, "Oh f**k…"

The priest said, "That’s it god will certainly punish you."

Suddenly a bolt of lightning came down and killed the priest. In the distance a deep voice said, "F**K, I Missed