Fun Stuff...Off Topic(O/T)

[IIC]

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Chicago. Nothing is moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What happened, what's the hold up?'

'Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Rosie O'Donnell, Jesse Jackson, and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. So we are going from car to car, taking up a collection.'

The driver asks, 'On average, how much is everyone giving?'

'About a gallon.'

ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!

[Peter Hansen]

Robert Tilden's Jingle Bells LOL

Trinity", you did justice to Robert Tilden. This con artist stole from people to enrich himself in the name of Jesus. Sadly, there are always fools to fall for such charlatans
Click here and listen !

http://youtube.com/watch?v=7CGHC5Bw_hE

[IIC]

A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of.
-- Burt Bacharach

[Peter Hansen]

Never, Ever , Ever ,give Up

Check out this basketball game , you will go away with your spirit lifted ENJOY.........GREAT VIDEO!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q4qNMRu1X-E

[riverbabe]

Check out this basketball game , you will go away with your spirit lifted ENJOY.........GREAT VIDEO!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q4qNMRu1X-E

Now THAT is really Inspiring!

[IIC]

Christmas Tequila Cookies

1 cup dark brown sugar
1 cup (two sticks) butter
1 cup granulated sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups dried fruit (dried cranberries or raisins)
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon fresh lemon juice
1 cup coarsely chopped walnuts or pecans
2 cups all purpose flour
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila (silver or gold, as desired)

First, sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl. Check the Cuervo to be sure it is of the highest quality . Pour another 4 ounces in a measuring cup and drink. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of the butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon sugar. Beat again.
At this point, it is best to make sure the Cuervo is still OK.

Try another 4 ounces, just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit, picking the frigging fruit off the floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a screwdriver.

Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt or something. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.

[riverbabe]

Merry Christmas to ALL!

http://www.jacquielawson.com/viewcard.asp?code=GT29083311

[billyjoe]

River,
Merry Christmas to you! That's the best card I've gotten yet.

------------billyjoe

[riverbabe]

As I've Matured

As I've Matured...

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is
stalk them and hope they panic and give in...

I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just
jackasses.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others -
they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.

I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.

I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back.

I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do,
unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural
stupidity.

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working
in your house, one of your kids did it

I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
And the real pains in the ass are permanent.

Pass this along to 5 friends...trust me, they'll appreciate it.
Who knows,maybe something good will happen. If not...tough!

[billyjoe]

Merry Christmas Veterans !

Just got back from the Ohio Veterans Home annual Christmas party. My father has been there 12 years.Only a couple have seniority on him so he says. Santa came with special gifts for any veteran that requested a TV , radio, warm blanket, etc. Local veterans groups, especially the VFW supply lots of the veterans with special needs. Some of the oldest elves you'd ever see helped hand out goodies. Many of the vets have no family or visitors but the dedicated staff make sure they aren't forgotten. They range in age from the 20's to 90's with most in the 65-85 group.

The veterans home in Sandusky ,Ohio has been in business since the 1880's and houses disabled as well as able bodied men and women. It is quite modern now with a couple of the original buildings used as a military museum. The grounds are nicely landscaped with some of the trees being the originals well over 100 years old. There are a couple ponds with plenty of ducks and geese. Several peacocks live year round on the property and roam around flying rarely. Every so often, but not this year , some baby peacocks are seen close by their mothers.

Both of my parents are WW2 veterans. My mother at 87 is probably volunteering at the home 5 days a week. She takes coffee and doughnuts and shows the newcomers the ropes. I've never had her energy. Ironically, my parents met on a troop train in Cleveland around 1942. She was a Wave he was Army infantry.

Remember a Vet this Christmas. Special greetings to my future son in law , Matt, presently in boot camp at Ft. Sill, Oklahoma.

------------billyjoe

[Peter Hansen]

Holiday Eating Tips

Enjoy and Live it up!!!

Holiday Eating Tips

1.Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the
Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2.Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an "eggnog-aholic" or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it!!!! Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3.If something comes with gravy, use it That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5.Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6.Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
10.One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips: start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Remember this motto to live by:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, and screaming "WOO- HOO what a ride!
Plus, as far as we know, Earth is the only planet that has chocolate on it!!!

[ringo69]

Santa's Secret Wish

SANTA'S SECRET WISH
On Christmas Eve,
a young boy with light in his eyes,
Looked deep into Santa's, to Santa's surprise,
And said as he nestled on Santa's broad knee,
"I want your secret, tell it to me."
He leaned up & whispered in Santa's good ear,
"How do you do it, year after year?"
"I want to know how, as you travel about,
Giving gifts here & there, you never run out.
How is it, dear Santa, that in your pack of toys,
You have plenty for all of the world's girls & boys?
Stays so full, never empties as you make your way
From rooftop to rooftop, to homes large & small,
From nation to nation, reaching them all?
And Santa smiled kindly & said to the boy,
"Don't ask me hard questions.
Don't you want a toy?"
But the child shook his head, and Santa could see
That he needed the answer. "Now listen to me,"
He told the small boy with the light in his eyes,
"My secret will make you sadder & wise.
"The truth is that my sack is magic. Inside
It holds millions of toys for my Christmas Eve ride.
But although I do visit each girl & each boy
I don't always leave them a gaily wrapped toy.
Some homes are hungry, some homes are sad.
Some homes are desperate, some homes are bad.
Some homes are broken, & children there grieve.
Those homes I visit, but what should I leave?
"My sleigh is filled with the happiest stuff,
But for homes where despair lives,
toys aren't enough.
So I tiptoe in, kiss each girl & boy,
And pray with them that they'll be given the joy
Of the spirit of Christmas, the spirit that lives
In the heart of the dear child who gets not,
but gives.
If only God hears me & answers my prayer,
When I visit next year, what I will find there
Are homes filled with peace,
and with giving, and love
And boys and girls gifted with light from above.
It's a very hard task, my smart little brother,
To give toys to some,
and to give prayers to others.
But the prayers are the best gifts,
the best gifts indeed,
For God has a way of meeting each need.
"That's part of the answer.
The rest, my dear youth,
Is that my sack is magic, And that is the truth.
In my sack I carry on Christmas Eve day
More love than a Santa could e'er give away.
The sack never empties of love, or of joys
'Cause inside it are prayers, and hopes.
Not just toys.
The more that I give, the fuller it seems,
Because giving is my way of fulfilling dreams.
"And do you know something?
You've got a sack, too.
It's as magic as mine, and it's inside of you.
It never gets empty, it's full from the start.
It's the centre of lights, and of love. It's your heart.
And if on this Christmas you want to help me,
Don't be so concerned with your gifts
'neath your tree.
Open that sack, call your heart, & share
Your joy, your friendship, your wealth, your care."
The light in the small boy's eyes was glowing.
"Thanks for the secret. I've got to be going."
"Wait, little boy," said Santa "don't go.
Will you share? Will you help?
Will you use what you know?"
And just for a moment the small boy stood still,
Touched his heart with his small hand & whispered,
"I will."
Author Unknown

[Peter Hansen]

Solution For Minnesota Bridge Collapse

The solution is really simple : Make sure to Click on the LINK at the bottom of the explanation for further clarification !

http://vets.yuku.com/topic/11293/t/Minnesota-bridge-collapse-explanation.html

[Peter Hansen]

Blondes Summary ( Riverbabe EXCLUDED) LOL

Blondes Year in Review

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer !!!

March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said "2-4 years!"

April
Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later,
the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....
car swamped because soft-top was open.

September
The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October
Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.




November

Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour
per pound and I weigh 108!!

December
Couldn't call 911 . "duh".....there's no "eleven"
Button on the stupid phone!!!


THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of he r house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly
is!"




(Are you rea dy? This is a beauty..)






My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"

[billyjoe]

I sneezed for over 90 days in a row from Sept. until Dec.26th. I did not sneeze yesterday and haven't yet today.

-------------billyjoe