Fun Stuff...Off Topic(O/T)

[IIC]

I was going to stop posting for a while so Doug would start to feel guilty, but I don't think that will work. Of course , River, you will be invited. Wear something provocative and mysterious so tongues will wag. Ski, you can pose as my personal broker and whisper that I reportedly am leaving Mrs. Billyjoe equities in the high 8 figure range. My ghost will haunt Doug, that is if it's possible for a ghost to travel 3000 miles. If Doug shows up and spreads good words about me all will be forgiven.

------------billyjoe

OK Billy Joe..."You're The Best!!!

Speaking of funerals though...As I always tell my wife...Give me a couple days advance notice so I can bring a date to your funeral.

Obviously saying that doesn't go over real big...But I love my wife the most when she's mad

[Peter Hansen]

NEVER "UNDER" estimate a WOMAN

Bill died, leaving a will that provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last of the visitors departed the services, his wife, Lynne, turned to her dearest friend, Sue, and said, “Well, I think Bill would be pleased.”

“I’m sure you’re right,” replied Sue, who then lowered her voice and leaned in close. “How much did this really cost?”

“All of it,” said Lynne. “All thirty thousand.”

“No!” Sue exclaimed. “I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?”

Lynne replied, “Yes. The funeral was $6,500; I donated $500 to the church, and the wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone.”

Sue computed quickly and asked, “$22,500 for a Memorial Stone? My goodness, how big is it?”

“Two and a half carats.”

[Peter Hansen]

One more funeral for the gipper

As with many funerals, it was a cloudy, rainy day. The deceased was a little old lady who had devoted her entire married life to nagging at her poor husband.

When the graveside service had no more than terminated, there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt and more rumbling thunder.

The little old man looked at his priest and calmly said, "Sounds like SHE has been told where to go."

[riverbabe]

As with many funerals, it was a cloudy, rainy day. The deceased was a little old lady who had devoted her entire married life to nagging at her poor husband.

When the graveside service had no more than terminated, there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt and more rumbling thunder.

The little old man looked at his priest and calmly said, "Sounds like SHE has been told where to go."

By gosh, Pete, your file of these oldies must be huge!!!! Seriously, do you FILE all the good ones for future use???? River

[IIC]

Court Room Drama

When Grandma Goes To Court


Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything mo re than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

[Peter Hansen]

River

By gosh, Pete, your file of these oldies must be huge!!!! Seriously, do you FILE all the good ones for future use???? River

River a friend of mine sends me many of these ....but you are right ...I should start a file . With life as it is ......I think we can all use a good laugh from time to time .

Peter

[billyjoe]

See my interesting pictures posted on Portrait Gallery Thread -------Who Are You?----- at least I think they are interesting. Took me 20 years to track down that 1908 picture.

-----------billyjoe

[Websman]

See my interesting pictures posted on Portrait Gallery Thread -------Who Are You?----- at least I think they are interesting. Took me 20 years to track down that 1908 picture.

-----------billyjoe

I have an old photo of an old Methodist Mission in Kentucky that I used to live in as a teenager. I'll post it, when I have more time.

[IIC]

Divorce Letters

*Dear Wife:*

*I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.*

*Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you
don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.*
*Your EX-Husband*
*P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!*


*Dear Ex-Husband -*

*Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the
first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment . And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork
seven years ago. *

*About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.

**So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.*

*I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.*

*Signed,*

*Your Ex-Wife, **Rich As Hell and Free!*

*P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. *
*I hope that's not a problem.*

[Peter Hansen]

150 Miles per gallon .....Wow nice car

Here is the car

http://editorial.autos.msn.com/article.aspx?cp-documentid=457882&OCID=eml_msnnl_6008.4.2.17&REFCD=emmsnnl_6008.4.2.17

[Peter Hansen]

Pssssst Jokes anyone?

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.

"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.

"I had to slap his face three times!"

"You mean he got fresh?"

"No," she answered, "I thought he was dead."

At the end of our first date the girl told me I was crazy in the head and I should be committed to a mental institution. Why do women always want us to make a commitment?
--Unknown
There was once a guy whose tongue was so long that when he stuck it out for the doctor, the nurse went, "Aaaaaahhh!!!"

Did you hear about the guy who found out the secret to making women happy?

No, neither did I.

[Peter Hansen]

WATCH OUT!!!! Woman driver

Click on this short clip

http://www.subliminalmessages.com/carinsurance30.htm

[Peter Hansen]

Be A Gentleman Hold That Door

Guys Be nice to the ladies .....and ahem....Hold that door !
This clip is perhaps not from Emily Post .....but you get the idea

http://www.subliminalmessages.com/carinsurance29.htm

[IIC]

[Quote deleted]

Well...I consider myself a moderate that leans a bit on the conservative side politically(fiscally anyway)...But that was a bit much...Doesn't offend me personally but I can envision that there will be a few around here that might take offense.

[Peter Hansen]

IIC Point Well Taken

Well...I consider myself a moderate that leans a bit on the conservative side politically(fiscally anyway)...But that was a bit much...Doesn't offend me personally but I can envision that there will be a few around here that might take offense.

IIC it is already conveniently deleted by whomever, but it was sent to me and I passed it on ......never looked at it than more than just a humorous situation........but you are right , in this politically correct climate one must excercise caution.