Fun Stuff...Off Topic(O/T)

[Peter Hansen]

Let Go Of Your Gas !

Man charged after allegedly passing gas toward cop By THE ASSOCIATED PRESS
Filed at 2:28 p.m. ET
AP Photo NY113
SOUTH CHARLESTON, W.Va. (AP) -- A West Virginia man who police said passed gas and fanned it toward a patrolman has been charged with battery on a police officer.
Jose A. Cruz, 34, of Clarksburg, was pulled over early Tuesday for driving without headlights, police said. According to the criminal complaint, Cruz smelled of alcohol, had slurred speech and failed three field sobriety tests before he was handcuffed and taken to a police station for a breathalyzer test.
As Patrolman T.E. Parsons prepared the machine, Cruz scooted his chair toward Parsons, lifted his leg and ''passed gas loudly,'' the complaint said.
Cruz, according to complaint, then fanned the gas toward the officer.
''The gas was very odorous and created contact of an insulting or provoking nature with Patrolman Parsons,'' the complaint alleged.
He was also charged with driving under the influence, driving without headlights and two counts of obstruction.
Cruz acknowledged passing gas, but said he didn't move his chair toward the officer nor aim gas at the patrolman. He said he had an upset stomach at the time, but police denied his request to go to the bathroom when he first arrived at the station.
''I couldn't hold it no more,'' he said.
He also denied being drunk and uncooperative as the police complaint alleged. He added he was upset at being prepared for a breathalyzer test while having an asthma attack. The police statement said he later resisted being secured for a trip to a hospital that he requested for asthma treatment.
Cruz said the officers thought the gas incident was funny when it happened and laughed about it with him.
''This is ridiculous,'' he said. ''I could be facing time.''
___________________________________

[Peter Hansen]

Gezzzzz DOW DOWN 777 Yikes

Gezzzz unless you played my SHORT LIST POST....I feel for ya brother !
Better days are coming .....but we can all use a good laugh .Just dont look at your Portfolio when the next statement comes!
Cheer up........ a few jokes for ya !

On a cold, cold night two bulls are standing in a field. One says "Boy it's mighty cold out here!", the other says "Yes, I think I might slip into a nice Jersey".

A New Zealander walking along the road with a sheep under each arm.
He meets another New Zealander who says "you sheerin' mate?" and the first guy replies "naw, they're all mine"



Q. Whats the difference between a wife and a girlfriend ?
A. 50 Pounds
How to you make a dish washer into a snow blower?
Give the wife a shovel

Q. Why dont blind men skydive?
A. Because it scares the sh** out of the dog


Seriously dont worry ........ it will all come back ....Bottom Line Your GOOD health and happiness is everything!

[riverbabe]

computer problems

I was having trouble with my computer, so I called Braden, the 11-year-old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over. Braden clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was
walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?'

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Braden grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'

'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think
you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like the little shit . .. . . . .

[Peter Hansen]

Which Are You?

Subject: Democrat, Republican or Redneck ?
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Redneck?
> > Here is a little test that will help you decide. You're
> > walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small
> > children. Suddenly, an Islamic terrorist with a huge knife
> > comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams
> > obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at
> > you.
> >
> > You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an expert
> > shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your
> > family. What do you do?
> >
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >
> > Democrat's Answer
> >
> > Well, that's not enough information to answer the
> > question! Does the man look poor! Or oppressed?
> >
> > Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to
> > attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What
> > about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club
> > and knock the knife out of his hand.
> >
> > What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock
> > have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a
> > loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send
> > to society and to my children?
> >
> > Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does
> > he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just
> > to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on , could
> > my family get away while he was stabbing me?
> >
> > Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted? We
> > need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this
> > a happier, healthier street that would discourage such
> > behavior.
> >
> > This is all so confusing! I need to discuss with some
> > friends over a latte and try to come to a consensus.
> >
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >
> > Republican's Answer:
> >
> > BANG!
> >
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >
> > Redneck's Answer:
> >
> > BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
> > Click....(sounds of reloading)
> >
> > BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click
> >
> > Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those
> > the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?'
> >
> > Son: 'You got him, Pop! Can I shoot the next one?'
> >
> > Wife: 'You are not taking that to the taxidermist!'

[billyjoe]

As I clean my overloaded desk for the first time in a year I'm reminded of a quote by some famous guy (may have been Einstein)

"If a cluttered desk is indicative of a cluttered mind, what then does an empty desk indicate?"

-------------billy

[Peter Hansen]

It's All In The Dash!

What is life?......Where does it all lead? This 2 minute inspirational video is well worth your time .........ENJOY!

http://www.simpletruths.com/dash/index.html

[IIC]

Getting Into Heaven

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into heaven you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.


So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.

The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, 'Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died.'

'No problem,' the man said. 'I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first heavy thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly.'

The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day.

It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, 'OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,' and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel's surprise, it was Donald Trump.

'Mr. Trump, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died.' Trump said, 'No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground , unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly.'

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Trump finishes his story.

'I could get used to this new policy,' he thinks to himself. 'Very well,' the Angel announces. 'Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,' and he lets Trump enter.

A few seconds later, Bill Clinton comes up to the gate.

The Angel is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel's head. Finally he says, 'Mr. President, please tell me what it was like the day you died.'

Clinton says, 'OK, picture this. I'm naked, inside a refrigerator.....

[Peter Hansen]

Pass Me A Guiness Mate!

Aye mate pass me another Guiness......Pleaaaaaaaaaase!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BrSSSfYE2dQ

[mimo_100]

New Stock Market Terms



CEO--Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET-- A random market movement causing an investor to
mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET-- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no
allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING-- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO-- The percentage of investors wetting their pants
as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER-- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR-- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST-- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT-- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your
assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER-- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION-- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears
down the toilet.

YAHOO-- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker
for $240 per share.

WINDOWS-- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who
bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR-- Past year investor who's now locked
up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT-- An archaic word no longer in use.

[IIC]

Message from the Queen




To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidatesfor President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give noticeof the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchicalduties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas ,which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governorfor America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determinewhether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency,the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
1. Then look up aluminum, and check the pronunciation guide.You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour', 'labour'and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut'without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replacedby the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise yourvocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
-----------------------
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noisessuch as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient formof communication. There is no such thing as US English. We willlet Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checkerwill be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and theelimination of -ize.
-------------------
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
-----------------
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers,or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapistsshows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should onlybe used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out withoutsuing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not readyto shoot grouse.
----------------------
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything moredangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wishto carry a vegetable peeler in public.
----------------------
7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will startdriving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will gometric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the Britishsense of humour.
--------------------
8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have beencalling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
-------------------
9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French friesare not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chipsare properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat,and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
-------------------
10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actuallybeer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenancewill be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as theyare pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only bedue to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what itdid for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-FrozenGnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
---------------------
11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors asgood guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actorsto play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt Englishdialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
---------------------
12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kindof proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enoughwill, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities toAmerican football, but does not involve stopping for a rest everytwenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body Armour like a bunchof nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you,like they regularly thrash us.
---------------------
13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host anevent called the World Series for a game which is not played outside ofAmerica. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyondyour borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will letyou face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
--------------------
14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
-----------------
15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty'sGovernment will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all moniesdue (backdated to 1776).
---------------
16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, withsaucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes;plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

[riverbabe]

NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS

CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to
mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no
allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants
as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your
assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears
down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker
for $240 per share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who
bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked
up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

[peanuts]

NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS...

I see some of us are paying attention....

[IIC]

I see some of us are paying attention....

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!

[billyjoe]

This may be neither fun nor off topic but I'm going to attempt to buy a $110,000 house tomorrow for $30,000. I'll let you know what the bank says to this offer.

---------------billy

[Websman]

This may be neither fun nor off topic but I'm going to attempt to buy a $110,000 house tomorrow for $30,000. I'll let you know what the bank says to this offer.

---------------billy

Considering the market conditions, you just might succeed. Good luck!