Fun Stuff...Off Topic(O/T)

[IIC]

Judy got married and had 13 children.
Her first husband,Ted, died of cancer.

She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children.
Bob was killed in a car accident.
Twelve years later. Judy again, remarried ... and this time, she & John had 5 more children.

Judy finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayedfor her.
He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together."

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:
"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"

Margaret replied:"I think he means her legs, Ethel

[riverbabe]

Hot in Cleveland

Ya better believe it! How do ya think we survive the winters! And now we've got Betty!

http://www.cleveland.com/tv-blog/index.ssf/2010/06/betty_white_talks_hot_in_cleveland_during_daily_show_visit_with_jon_stewart.html

[microchips]

Betty who?

Ya better believe it! How do ya think we survive the winters! And now we've got Betty!

http://www.cleveland.com/tv-blog/ind...n_stewart.html

River,
......Betty looks like she"s just been dug up, she"s got a face a dog wouldnt lick!! lol..

[Peter Hansen]

Slick!

Click on the following LINK and then by clicking on the various dots , get newspaper headlines for papers across the globe......COOL!

http://www.newseum.org/todaysfrontpages/flash/

[riverbabe]

River,
......Betty looks like she"s just been dug up, she"s got a face a dog wouldnt lick!! lol..

She has a humour and a deadly wit that cuts to the quick, all the while she's smiling at her victim with that sweet sweet innocent smile. She's really devilish and brutely frank, and an all 'round joy to behold. She has become an icon over here. I love her! Love her guts. Love her brazenness. Love her honesty. She may be over 80 now (wow, 8 but she has a lifetime of achievement on stage, screen and TV. God Bless Her!

[microchips]

She has a humour and a deadly wit that cuts to the quick, all the while she's smiling at her victim with that sweet sweet innocent smile. She's really devilish and brutely frank, and an all 'round joy to behold. She has become an icon over here. I love her! Love her guts. Love her brazenness. Love her honesty. She may be over 80 now (wow, 8 but she has a lifetime of achievement on stage, screen and TV. God Bless Her!

River.
I still wouldnt want her for a mother-inlaw! i could still use her face for ratting though..lol. Scary or what?

[Anna1]

After a tough week ......Why Cry? Laughter is good medicine. I worked with some people who always looked as if they just finished sucking on a lemon..never happy and always compaining ! Some of those folks are no longer with us and currently "Pushing Daisies" My philosophy has always been......"Why Worry Be Happy'!

Here are some jokes to keep us all from pushing daises before our time. LOL

One day a man came home from work and told his wife, "Hon, I had the urge to put my thing in the pickle slicer."

"Oh, my God, you should get some help!" his wife said. The next day he came home.

"Hon, I had that urge again!"

"That's it! After work tomorrow, I'm taking you to a doctor!"

The third day he came home all depressed and said, "Hon, I finally did it."

"WHAT HAPPENED?"

"They fired me - and the pickle slicer too."

man walks into a bar and he's really pissed. The bartender gives him a drink and asks what the problem is. All he says is, “All lawyers are as*holes.”

A man sitting in the corner shouts, “I take offense to that!”

The pissed-off guy asks him, “Why? Are you a lawyer?”

He replies, “No, I'm an as*hole.”

What is the thinnest book in the world? Biographies of Happy women.
What's the difference between men and government bonds? None, they're both the same, steadily increasing in value, predictable and vastly undervalued by people who don't understand them.

Good story

[Peter Hansen]

Life saving tips!

GOOD VISION IN A DOWNPOUR

How to achieve good vision while driving during a
heavy downpour.

We are not sure why it is so effective;
just try this method when it rains heavily.
This
method was told by a Police friend who had
experienced
and confirmed it. It is useful....even driving at
night.

Most of the motorists would turn on HIGH or
FASTEST
>>>> SPEED of the wipers during heavy downpour, yet the
>>>> visibility in front of the windshield is still
>>>> bad......
>>>>
>>>> In the event you face such a situation, just try
>>>> your SUN GLASSES (any model will
>>>> do),
>>>> and miracle! All of a sudden, your visibility in
>>>> front
>>>> of your windshield is perfectly clear, as if there
>>>> is
>>>> no rain.
>>>>
>>>> Make sure you always have a pair of SUN GLASSES
>>>> in
>>>> your car, as you are not only helping yourself to
>>>> drive
>>>> safely with good vision, but also might save your
>>>> friend's life by giving him this idea..
>>>>
>>>> Try it yourself and share it with your friends!
>>>> Amazing, you still see the drops on the
>>>> windshield,
>>>> but
>>>> not the sheet of rain falling.
>>>>
>>>> You can see where the rain bounces off the road.
>>>> It works to eliminate the
>>>> "blindness"
>>>> from passing semi's spraying you too.
>>>>
>>>> Or the "kickup" if you are following a semi
>>>> or car in the rain. They ought to teach
>>>> that
>>>> little tip in driver's training. It really does
>>>> work..
>>>>
>>>> This warning is a good one! I wonder how
>>>> many people know about this~
>>>>
>>>> A 36 year old female had an accident several weeks
>>>> ago
>>>> and totaled her car. A resident of Kilgore , Texas she was
>>>> traveling between Gladewater & Kilgore. It was
>>>> raining, though not excessively, when her car
>>>> suddenly
>>>> began to hydro-plane and literally flew through
>>>> the
>>>> air. She was not seriously injured but very
>>>> stunned
>>>> at
>>>> the sudden occurrence!
>>>>
>>>> When she explained to the highway patrolman what
>>>> had
>>>> happened he told her something that every
>>>> driver should know - NEVER DRIVE IN THE RAIN WITH YOUR CRUISE
>>>> CONTROL ON . She thought she was being
>>>> cautious by setting the cruise control and
>>>> maintaining
>>>> a safe consistent speed in the rain. But the
>>>> highway
>>>> patrolman told her that if the cruise control is
>>>> on
>>>> when your car begins to hydro-plane and your
>>>> tires
>>>> lose contact with the pavement,
>>>> your car will accelerate to a higher rate of
>>>> speed
>>>> making you take off
>>>> like an airplane. She told the patrolman that was
>>>> exactly what had occurred.
>>>>
>>>> The patrolman said this warning should be listed,
>>>> on
>>>> the driver's seat
>>>> sun-visor - NEVER USETHE CRUISE CONTROL WHEN

>>>> THE PAVEMENT IS WET OR ICY, along with the airbag
>>>> warning. We tell our teenagers to set the cruise
>>>> control and drive a safe speed - but we don't tell
>>>> them
>>>> to use the cruise control only when the pavement
>>>> is
>>>> dry.
>>>>
>>>> The only person the accident victim found, who
>>>> knew
>>>> this (besides the patrolman), was a man
>>>> who had a similar accident, totaled
>>>> his car and sustained severe injuries.
>>>>
>>>> NOTE: Some vehicles (like the Toyota Sienna
>>>> Limited
>>>> XLE) will not allow you to set the cruise
>>>> control when the windshield wipers are on. If
>>>> you
>>>> send this to 15 people and only one of them
>>>> doesn't
>>>> know about this, then it was all worth it.. You
>>>> might
>>>> have saved a life.

[Peter Hansen]

Who Is Really Deaf?

DEAR DEAF WIFE....."priceless"


A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.


Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.


The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.


Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.

If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.."


That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."

Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"


No response.


So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"


Still no response.


Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"


Again he gets no response.


So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"


(I just love this)

"George, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"

[microchips]

I saw one of my mates the other day!.

he"s only one arm bless him.

I shouted "where you off to then"?.

"to change a light bulb" he replied.

"thats going to be a bit akward isn"t it ? i said!

"not realy" he said " i"ve still got the F^%*ING receipt dickhead".

.................................
A few years ago now,i got kicked out of school.

The headmaster caught me behind the bike shed having sex with a girl from my English class!.

When i was leaving he said he was bitterly dissapointed with me.

Apparantly i was the best English teacher they"d ever had!!!.

..........................................
A female dwarf goes to the doctors complaining of sore "ladies bits".

The doctor takes out a pair of scissors and proceeds to snip around a bit down there.

The dwarf says " it"s feeling a lot better already, what have you done"?.

The doctor replies " i"ve trimmed off the top of your wellies".

[Peter Hansen]

How About A Good Laugh?

Quick Diagnosis
Nurse: 'Doctor, Doctor the man you've just treated collapsed on the front step. What should I do?'
Doctor: 'Turn him around so it looks like he was just arriving!'

Patient: “Doctor, are you sure I’m suffering from pneumonia? I’ve heared once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of typhus.” Doctor: “Don’t worry, it won’t happen to me. If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia

Did you hear about the new French tank?
Yeah, It has 14 gears. 13 go in reverse, and one goes foreward incase the enemy attacks from behind

Three friends -- two straight guys and a gay guy -- and their significant others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter.

First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny."

Then came the second straight guy. "Sorry, can't let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!"

The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, "It doesn't look good, Dick."


A Scot is the only man on earth who would step over the bodies of a dozen bronzed naked beauties just to get to a glass of whiskey

Every Scotsman's fantasy is to have two women....one cleaning, the other dusting

Jock decided to call his father-in-law the "Exorcist" cuz every time he came to visit he made the spirits disappear

[riverbabe]

Speed Traps!

This is interesting. Click on whatever state /Province you want and then it will show the city or towns you want to view, click on which one you want to view. See if you know any of them.

Do you know the speed traps in your hometown?

http://www.speedtrap.org/speedtraps/stetlist.asp

[billyjoe]

Ha Ha, River! I think you beat Doug (IIC) to this site. It's very accurate from my investigations. Referring to above speedtrap locations.

------------billy

[Peter Hansen]

River EXCELLENT!

This is interesting. Click on whatever state /Province you want and then it will show the city or towns you want to view, click on which one you want to view. See if you know any of them.

Do you know the speed traps in your hometown?

http://www.speedtrap.org/speedtraps/stetlist.asp

River thank you for the great site .you are a gentle woman, beautiful and a scholar, traits definitely not found among many of the female populace!
Yes they did have spots familiar to me in my town. Much easier for police to hide behind trees , at bends in the road to catch unsuspecting motorists going to work , than it is to lock up the scum of the earth , that are robbing , raping and and selling drugs. Hey that would be dangerous , no money can me made that way .....and especially if a cop is near retirement. He could get KILLED and lose that fat pension and benefits !

[microchips]

River.
......Never did get to see what Ski"s bet was for you!!