Fun Stuff...Off Topic(O/T)

[Karel]

On Buffaloes and Flutes

In another thread someone mentioned buffaloes and flute playing in one sentence. This triggered the "haven’t I heard that combination before" reflex. And yes, I had, see Wikipedia.

There is also a nice PDF (200 kB) with the paintings and verses on the Web.

Regards,

Karel

[Peter Hansen]

Words Of Wisdom LOL

CATHOLIC COFFEE


Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.


The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."


The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."


The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."


Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

[Peter Hansen]

Men : Warning!!

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.
This will only become more commonplace as the older men travel south.
A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Lowe's, Home Depot, or Costco customers. This one caught me by surprise.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic.
Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-something girls come over to your car as
you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling
out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank
them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds.
You agree and they get into the back seat.

On the way, they start undressing.
Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen June 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also July 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 28th, three times last Monday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.
Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at K-Mart and bought them out. Also, you never will get to eat at McDonalds. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth to Lowe's, Home Depot, and Costco.

[steelman]

That is Hilarious Peter hahahaha. Well I guess I am on my way to stock up on wallets!
Thanks for the laugh,
Steel

[Peter Hansen]

We All Need a GOOD LAUGH!

After the markets today , we all need laugh, why worry? Better days are coming!

Men vs Women wisdom




RESTROOM SIGNS


Friends don't let friends
take home ugly men
Women's restroom
Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE










Beauty is only a light switch away.
Perkins Library, Duke University , Durham , NC










If life is a waste of time,
and time is a waste of life,
then let's all get wasted together
and have the time of our lives.
Armand's Pizza, Washington , DC










Fighting for peace is like
Screwing for virginity.
The Bayou, Baton Rouge , LO










No matter how good she looks,
Some other guy is sick and tired
Of putting up with her shit.
Men's Room
Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill , NC










At the feast of ego
everyone leaves hungry.
Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson , AZ










It's hard to make a comeback
when you haven't been anywhere.
Written in the dust on the back of a bus,
Wickenburg , AZ










Make love, not war.
-Hell, do both
GET MARRIED!
Women's restroom
The Filling Station, Bozeman , MT










If voting could really change things,
it would be illegal.
Revolution Books
New York , New York ....










If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?
Congress!
Men's restroom House of Representatives,
Washington , DC










Express Lane:
Five beers or less
Sign over one of the urinals
Ed Debevic's, Phoenix , AZ










You're too good for him.
Sign over mirror in Women's restroom
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hill s ,CA









No wonder you always go home alone.
Sign over mirror in Men's restroom,
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hill s ,CA









~~~ and perhaps the most realistic one ~~~





A Woman's Rule of Thumb:
If it has tires or testicles,
you're going to have trouble with it
Women's restroom
Dick's Last Resort, Dallas , TX


















______________________________


SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.

A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
_____________________________


GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS



A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


_____________________________


HAPPINESS



To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot

and not try to understand her at all.

______________________________


LONGEVITY



Married men live longer than single men do,

but married men are a lot more willing to die.

______________________________


PROPENSITY TO CHANGE


A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

_____________________________


DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE



A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

_____________________________

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE

FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings,

Poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.'

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.


SEND THIS TO A SMART SOMEONE WHO NEEDS A LAUGH !

[Karel]

Sometimes an old song has new meaning!

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I would take it and pour it into the river."

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd surely take it and pour it into the river."

Sermon complete, he sat down.

The song leader, who obviously had problems keeping his face straight and his voice firm, then announced "For our closing song, let us sing, Shall We Gather at the River."

See you at the river

[Peter Hansen]

Another Drinking JOKE ( Karel Started This) LOL

So there’s a guy at a bar, staring blankly at his drink. He stays like that for hours. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man cries. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”

“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.”

“I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”

[IIC]

Zen Teachings
1.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.
In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.


2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.


3.
No one is listening until you fart.


4.
Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.


5.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.


6.
If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.


7.
Before you criticize someone,
you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.



8.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.


10.
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.



11.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.


12.
Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windscreen.


13.
Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.


14.
Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.



15.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.



16.
There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.


17.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.


18.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.


19.
We are born naked, wet and hungry, get slapped on our arse ... then things just keep getting
worse.


20.
Never, under any circumstances,
take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same
night

[Peter Hansen]

Blue Christmas

Blue christmas by the "KING".......need I say more ? Turn up your speakers and enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xOjNco06VoY

[IIC]

[Peter Hansen]

Crimson & Clover!

Crimson and Clover was one of my favorite songs, and it sure does bring back memories . Tommy and The Shandells and Joan Jhett sing the same song ......WHICH DO YOU LIKE BETTER......Just curious!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dKhGuUSJvg8&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cQ-P8Fgfhvk&feature=related

[Peter Hansen]

JOHNNY >>>You Go Guy!

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.


Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I have a dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "Now who said that?"


Johnny: "Tiger Woods, can I go now?"

[IIC]

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name..

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the
cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering,

'What the heck happened?'

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of
jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

[IIC]

Dear Santa....

A little girl's Christmas wish.




"Dear Santa, this year, please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer"

[Peter Hansen]

Saying So Makes It So!

A beautiful short video clip!

http://www.danceintherainmovie.com/