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TASER'd
From my email:
Pocket Taser Stun Gun
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who
purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary
submitted this story;
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was
looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came
across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of
the
taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse
affect on your assailant,
allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought
it home. I loaded two
AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
I was disappointed. I
learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it
against a metal surface at the
same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and
forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn
spot is on the face of her
microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself
that it couldn't be all that
bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was
reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try
this thing out on a flesh and
blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping
Gracie (for a fraction of a second)
and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I
was going to give this thing to my
wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my
reading glasses perched delicately
on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in
another. The directions said
that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your
assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a
major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst
would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a
fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting
the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this
little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in
circumference; pretty cute really
and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-Abatteries) thinking to
myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
best...
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked
to one side as if to say,
'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from
such a tiny little ole thing
couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one
second burst just for heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and
. . . HOLY MOTHER OF
GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door,
picked me up in the recliner,
then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over
again. I vaguely recall
waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my
eyes, body soaking wet, both
nipples on fire,
testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my
body in the oddest position,
and tingling in my legs?
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before,
clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in
an
attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the
living
room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser,
one note of caution: there is
no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You
will not let go of that thing
until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing
about on the floor. A three second
burst would be considered conservative? SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT
HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative
thing at that point), I collected
my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the
landscape. My bent reading glasses
were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside
down and about 8 feet or so
from where it originally was.
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot
up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no
control over the drooling. Apparrently I shit myself, but was too numb
to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone.
I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe was came
from my hair. I'm still
looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for
their safe return!!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me
with it!
'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'
From my email:
Pocket Taser Stun Gun
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who
purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary
submitted this story;
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was
looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came
across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of
the
taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse
affect on your assailant,
allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought
it home. I loaded two
AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
I was disappointed. I
learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it
against a metal surface at the
same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and
forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn
spot is on the face of her
microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself
that it couldn't be all that
bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was
reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try
this thing out on a flesh and
blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping
Gracie (for a fraction of a second)
and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I
was going to give this thing to my
wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my
reading glasses perched delicately
on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in
another. The directions said
that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your
assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a
major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst
would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a
fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting
the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this
little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in
circumference; pretty cute really
and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-Abatteries) thinking to
myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
best...
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked
to one side as if to say,
'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from
such a tiny little ole thing
couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one
second burst just for heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and
. . . HOLY MOTHER OF
GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door,
picked me up in the recliner,
then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over
again. I vaguely recall
waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my
eyes, body soaking wet, both
nipples on fire,
testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my
body in the oddest position,
and tingling in my legs?
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before,
clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in
an
attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the
living
room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser,
one note of caution: there is
no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You
will not let go of that thing
until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing
about on the floor. A three second
burst would be considered conservative? SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT
HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative
thing at that point), I collected
my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the
landscape. My bent reading glasses
were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside
down and about 8 feet or so
from where it originally was.
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot
up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no
control over the drooling. Apparrently I shit myself, but was too numb
to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone.
I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe was came
from my hair. I'm still
looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for
their safe return!!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me
with it!
'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'
There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd just said..He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.
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