Fun Stuff...Off Topic(O/T)

[riverbabe]

Here's a mennonite produce and flower auction I go to regularly. If I could figure out how to sell 5000 melons in my front yard in 3 days I'd be rich. Sometimes they go for 50 cents each, watermelons too! But the quantity is often ridiculous.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QFR4y4kmy74

--------------billy

fascinating! reminds me of home.

[riverbabe]

The T-mobile Royal Wedding

This is a hoot.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kav0FEhtLug&feature=email

[billyjoe]

...and they said the royals were stuck in the past

-----------billy

[Peter Hansen]

Now about those tomatoes!

Old Italian's Tomato Garden



An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love,
Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa,

Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.

Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Papa,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love,
Vinnie

[Karel]

Old Italian's Tomato Garden [etc.]

The old ones are the best, see almost six years ago

I don't mind the repost (it is still a funny joke), and it is a nice test for one's memory.

Regards,

Karel

[Peter Hansen]

kAREL

The old ones are the best, see almost six years ago

I don't mind the repost (it is still a funny joke), and it is a nice test for one's memory.

Regards,

Karel

Karel ......you have a good memory!

[Peter Hansen]

"paid in full"

Paid In Full



A young man was getting ready to graduate from college. For many months he had admired a beautiful sports car in a dealer's showroom, and knowing his father could well afford it, he told him that was all he wanted. As Graduation Day approached, the young man awaited signs that his father had purchased the car.


Finally, on the morning of his graduation, his father called him into his private study. His father told him how proud he was to have such a fine son, and told him how much he loved him. He handed his son a beautifully wrapped gift box. Curious, and somewhat disappointed, the young man opened the box and found a lovely, leather-bound Bible, with the young man's name embossed in gold. Angry, he shouted at his father and said "with all your money, you give me a Bible?" and stormed out of the house.


Many years passed and the young man had become very successful in business. He had a beautiful home and wonderful family, but realized his father now was getting old, and thought perhaps he should go see him. He had not seen him since that graduation day.


Before he could make arrangements, he received a telegram telling him his father had passed away, and willed all of his possessions to his son. He needed to come home immediately and take care of things.


When he arrived at his father's house, sudden sadness and regret filled his heart. He began to search through his father's important papers and saw the still gift-wrapped Bible, just as he had left it years ago. With tears, he opened the Bible and began to turn the pages.


His father had carefully underlined a verse, Matt.7:11, "And if ye, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more shall your Heavenly Father which is in Heaven, give to those who ask Him?" As he read those words, a car key dropped from the back of the Bible. It had a tag with the dealer's name, the same dealer who had the sports car he had wanted. On the tag was the date of his graduation, and the words PAID IN FULL.


- Author Unknown

[Karel]

Paid In Full

A young man was getting ready to graduate from college. [...]

The ending got lost, after PAID IN FULL: "How many times do we miss God's blessings because we can't see past our own desires?"

http://www.snopes.com/religion/gradgift.asp

Motivational stories usually make my teeth ache and this is no exception, with or without missing ending. Snopes mention what they call the granddaddy of this story, "The lost inheritance", written in 1897 by H.G. Wells. Retold on the Snopes site:

An eccentric uncle comes into £120,000 when he is 37 and devotes the rest of his life to penning "edifying literature" that is seldom read or reviewed by others.

Ted, his greedy nephew, flatters the intellectually pretentious man throughout his life, even feigning interest in his decidedly dull writings. Near the close of the man's life, the uncle gives his seemingly devoted nephew yet another of his books, saying: "Take this book and read it. It's my last word, my very last word. I've left all my property to you, Ted, and may you use it better than I have done."

Later, when the uncle lies dying and asks "Have you read it?" Ted assures him he has "sat up all night reading it." But of course the book remains untouched, but the uncle dies content thanks to Ted's lie.

A search of the house fails to turn up the promised will, yet both the housekeeper and gardener recall recently witnessing one executed on "an ordinary half-sheet of paper." An ancient will that leaves all to the son of a second cousin subsequently turns up in the hands of a distant lawyer. The fortune goes to this other lad who proceeds to run through it in less than ten years.

Decades on, as Ted is scratching about for something to sell, he happens on the various presentation volumes his uncle pressed upon him. He kicks one across the room, and this action dislodges the will that had laid hidden in its pages, the will that would have left everything to Ted.

I have a suspicion that this is not the granddaddy of this story theme, but Wells' take on already existing stories with a bible ("edifying literature" that is seldom read)...

Regards,

Karel

[billyjoe]

Karel,
That's why I read every word of every post on this site for the last 8 1/2 years.

----------billy

[Karel]

Karel,
That's why I read every word of every post on this site for the last 8 1/2 years.

----------billy

You hanker after tooth ache?

Regards,

Karel

[Peter Hansen]

A new beer for the royal newly weds!

The following was taken from the NY POST Weird But True Column, 11/21/11 . I guess this is one beer that gives new meaning to the words "BATTERING RAM"


Just in time for the royal wedding -- a British brewer has created the first Viagra-laced beer.

The label trumpets the words: "Arise Prince Willie"



Read more: http://www.nypost.com/p/news/weird_b...#ixzz1KCbFKasb

[Peter Hansen]

THINK Before You Speak!

Think before you speak...


Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -
The last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could
Immediately take the words back...
Or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow
And asked loudly,
"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a bl*w job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...He knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with mens balls"

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget..

FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release
Some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,
"If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you
Kissing Daddy's willy last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at McDonalds for a quick lunch, in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my burger, I smelled something funny,
So of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said,
"Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their food laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better,
Thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan in America laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that,
The day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
Turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did he have to leave the set,
But half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

[Megafauna]

Karel ......you have a good memory!

The old ones are the best, see almost six years ago

I don't mind the repost (it is still a funny joke), and it is a nice test for one's memory.

Regards,

Karel

LMAO!! That mafia/tomato garden joke is hilarious!

[Peter Hansen]

HUNG CHOW You Da Man !

CHINESE SICK LEAVE: 'I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!'


Hung Chow calls into work and says,

'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, got stomach

ache and legs hurt. I no come work.'


The boss says,
'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today.
When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex.
That makes everything better and I go to work.. You try that.'


Two hours later Hung Chow calls again.

'I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon.........
You got nice house.'

[Peter Hansen]

The Italian Mistress Ciao Bella!

An Italian husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris , no more wintering in Barbados , no more summers in Tuscany , no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. No more credit card and large Bank accounts. But.... the decision is all yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Tony?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.